What the heck are boundaries?
I’ve been doing a lot of research on the topic of boundaries and how women in particular have a hard time with them. Many of the women I talk to say they would love to have boundaries but they just can’t set them because it’s too hard or not well received, both at home and at work. The guilt with setting boundaries is so profound that they would rather just say yes knowing deep down that they really should say no. Saying yes comes at the expense of their well-being.
This guilt often comes from stories we grew up hearing as children and as we’ve grown into adults, they’ve stayed with us and continue to play in our heads. Put others before yourself, always. Do whatever it takes to get ahead. But imagine, if you could wave a magic wand and remove the guilt associated with saying no. The guilt and the fear are stopping us from taking care of ourselves and when we don’t take care of our own needs, it’s more difficult to nurture others and other areas of our lives. We feel drained and anxious. But what the heck are boundaries anyway?
Boundaries are:
An imaginary line that separates me from you
Boundaries can be physical or emotional, and they can range from being loose to rigid.
A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others.
A person with healthy boundaries knows personal wants and needs and can communicate them.
“Boundaries are the gateway to healthy relationships. They are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. Expectations help you stay mentally and emotionally well. Learning when to say no and when to say yes is also an essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others.” - Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace
I personally have struggled with boundaries both at work and at home and it’s something I continue to work on. I think it’s something that most people work on forever. Boundaries grow and change as our needs change. Here are 3 pieces of advice that I learned that have worked for me to start thinking about boundaries differently. Boundaries are healthy and although they might feel uncomfortable, ultimately you are the only one responsible for yourself. And if you don’t set these, someone else will.
Boundaries help protect your energy. Work, home, and kids can easily take priority over your own needs. But if you’re constantly giving your energy away, eventually there’s less of you left for the people and things that matter most.
A boundary might be as simple as protecting a few minutes in your day to reset and reconnect with yourself. Stretch. Take a few deep breaths. Step outside. Write down what you’re grateful for. It doesn’t have to be another big commitment—it can be one small moment that helps you feel more like yourself.
You can’t control how people respond to your boundaries. People may be disappointed, defensive, or test your limits when you start doing things differently. That can feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re used to keeping everyone happy.
You can care about how your choices affect other people without taking responsibility for their reactions. The goal isn’t to make everyone comfortable. It’s to get more comfortable honoring what you need.
You don’t have to do it all. If you’re a people-pleaser, there’s no shortage of people to please: your kids, your partner, your boss, your friends, your family. And when everyone else’s needs are competing for your attention, it’s easy to lose sight of your own. The next time you’re deciding whether to take something on, pause and ask yourself: Why is this important to me? You don’t have to do everything. You can choose what matters most, let some things be good enough, and give yourself permission to simplify. Sometimes finding more space in your life isn’t about doing more, it’s about deciding what you can let go.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own, or noticing some resentment creeping in, it might be time to take a closer look at your boundaries AND how to set and hold them consistently.
You don’t have to figure it out alone. If you’d like some support along the way, I’d love to help. Learn more about how coaching might support you here.